One theme that often comes up in e-mails, comments, and messages from blog readers and social media followers is being good at something. I get all sorts of comments in that vein… I’m not good at that. I can’t do that. I’m bad at that. Is there anything you’re not good at? That last question always makes me smile because, of course, I’m bad at a lot of things. My typical answer is always “plenty.” I just don’t write about those on the blog, make tutorials about them, or share about things totally out of my scope of abilities on social media. Sharing my failures is very different than sharing something I’m bad at. Sharing something I’m learning and growing in is also different than sharing something I’m bad at.
I’ve actually given this a lot of thought, mostly in how I can offer encouragement to those who struggle to have a can-do attitude, for those who find it hard to be a beginner, and for those who are crushingly self-critical. And, as I was thinking through this topic, I decided I needed to define the idea of being bad at something and, if I may be so bold, offer a new “rule” or criteria of what has to happen before anyone can say they are bad at anything.
Here’s my rule –
I, you, we…cannot say we are bad at something until we’ve tried it several times. I’m not sure how many several needs to be because it might depend on the situation, but you can’t try something once or twice and then declare that you’re bad at it.
Case in point – I am bad at parking. I have been driving and parking for 30 years so I can fairly say I’m not good at it. I do try, but if you end up parked next to a white minivan that is crooked, on the line, pulled up too far, or hanging out in the aisle, I’m sorry. It’s probably me and I’m just not good at parking.
Second case in point – I’m terrible at throwing things and it got even worse after my shoulder surgery. I have poor aim and poor power and I’ve tried to throw many, many things, many, many times and I’m still bad at it. You don’t want me on your dodgeball team or as your quarterback and I’m saying that without being unfair to myself.
Third case in point – In the past, I have declared that I am not a “canvas” artist and that declaration came from painting on about four canvases. The truth is, I wasn’t bad at it. I was just a beginner and I needed time to learn and paint on over 100 canvases until I could fairly judge my talent or lack thereof. After 100 paintings, I saw improvement and potential. I decided to stick with it not only because of the possibilities but because I really enjoyed it.
Fourth case in point – I have also labeled myself as “not a gardener” on this very blog over a decade ago. The truth is, I had just never really gardened. I grew up in military apartments and, once we did live in a house, I never worked with my mom in the yard. I don’t have any memories attached to gardening and I didn’t have anyone teaching me how to do it along the way. As a young adult, I lived in apartments, then a condo, and then in our first single-family home in PA where I decided, after weeding once and the weeds came back, that I wasn’t good at it. Again, I just needed (and still need) time to be a beginner, to gain experience, and to learn from people who are good gardeners.
So, if you’re someone who has always imagined yourself doing something, but you limit yourself because of a narrative you’ve embraced, I want to encourage you to change your perspective. Yes, there are things we are genuinely bad at, but there are likely many more things we haven’t genuinely tried.
15 Responses
Agree wholeheartedly!!
Thank you!
Good post! When I’m out and about you’ll find me reading, crocheting or knitting usually. I’m approached nearly every time by a very nice person who tells me that they are not a reader or could never do crochet or knitting. Having recently read a very enlightening post about our self perceptions, I now tell people thank you for your interest and to think about the stories they tell themselves. If you tell yourself you aren’t a reader you won’t read. If you say to yourself you can’t crochet or knit you never will.
I agree! I have been backing my car into a parking spot, I am getting much better with practice!
I have to comment on your topiaries in the kitchen, are they real-they look real and beautiful!
“If you think you “can” or think you “can’t” you are right.”
When I was younger there were so many things I wasn’t able to do or at least, thought I wasn’t able to do. As I got older and tried new things on my own or with instruction from a trusted friend I learned there was much more I could do.
Now there isn’t much I can’t do but I choose not to. I have done upholstery, furniture painting, wall painting, wall papering, tiling, faux painting an outdoor patio to look like limestone, gardening (reaching Master Gardener level), baking, cooking, all kinds of crafts and arts including making Santas from papier mache…whew! That’s a lot and I loved all of it.
Now I read about other people (you!) doing all the things I love and am quite content at observing.
It’s been quite a ride.
Alongside giving myself grace to be a beginner, I feel a pleasurable duty to offer huge amounts of encouragement to others. There have been so many situations in my life where I lacked confidence to try something but, when encouraged by some sweet soul, I did and had a life-changing experience. I really want to be that for others and love seeing people accomplish things they had been talking themselves out of – sometimes for a lifetime. The more I encourage others, the more I encourage myself. “What goes around, comes around” as they say. Thanks for the encouragement you put out into the world in every post (signed, a soul-sister-who-also-throws-badly.” 🙂
You and your husband did such a great job creating the mantle.
A very powerful message of encouragement and believing in oneself, Marion! In a world filled with judgment and hatred and defeat, thank you for being a voice of reason and light and positivity!
Well said Gayle Stewart! I heartily agree.
Gayle Stewart, you wrote exactly what I was thinking!!
Marian, thank you for this very important post that stated so beautifully an important lesson we all need to learn.
Wonderful conversation… I laugh every time I park.. I go forward and backward in an effort to park straight.. I get out of the car to look.. I have to keep trying so I don’t take up more than one spot 🙂
And … the stories we tell ourselves! We
Must challenge these thoughts to break the habit. We are good enough. We are not
NGE’s… “not good enough” because it cannot all be true~ it is simply a false belief.
Thanks Marian for your insight!
🙂
Thank you Marian!
Dear Marian,
I’ve always imagined you surrounded by others, particularly your mother, who encouraged your countless creativity. While it must be true, today you’ve given us a master class in the ways you have believed in yourself and and practiced skills to enlarge your capacity and enjoyment.
Thank you for refining your writing with inspiring treatises such as today’s.
With admiration from another writer,
Diney on Mercer Island
Marian, like you, I can’t park worth a darn and I can’t catch a ball to save my life. No depth perception makes these some other activities interesting but there are plenty of things I can do and new things to learn.
I started to teach a friend how to crochet. She said that she had tried before but the yarn kept slipping off the hook. I told her how there are different hooks and that when I use a certain kind, the yarn slips off for me. I lent her one of my hooks to try and, after a while of practice just making a chain, she started understanding how to do it herself. I’ll give her some more lessons soon along with the right kind of hook. Right now she’s busy with their son’s wedding but my goal is to give her the confidence to take on a small project or two; if she really gets “hooked” (pun intended), may she’ll be able to take on a baby blaket by the time grandkids start coming along.
An encouraging perspective, thank you. 🙂