I receive a lot of questions through e-mail and various social media outlets wondering everything from where I bought something to how I did something to how I deal with something else. Most of the time I answer those questions individually, but I thought I probably should answer a few more of those publicly to benefit everyone. Plus, it gives me good blog material! So, I thought I would share excerpts from an e-mail I received a few days ago. A lovely lady named Tara sent me this…
“I have two sons, two dogs and a husband, all male. I am overwhelmed with male-ish-ness. I love your interiors but they are. . . well, feminine. My sons are 12 and 15. I’m 40, my DH is 45 and after all the time and experiences under my belt, I have to ask – how do you keep your menfolk feeling comfortable and your interiors welcoming to them? The older my kids get, the more they. . . sprawl. Everything is bigger – the school bags, lunch bags, sports equipment, shoes and friends. They travel in a pack you know – I’ve decided that the collective noun for a group of boys is “an odour” – and their stuff is just so . . . everywhere.
And I’m not totally innocent. I have two horses. So add boots, barn coats, riding helmets and a fair bit of horse —- to that equation.
My challenge has been to find a way for my vision – peace, tranquility and a healthy hit of quirk – to live with their (okay fine, our) reality. Some people will tell you it takes discipline – put stuff away, clean up when you’re done – but I’m here to tell you that isn’t real life. I know you and your husband host a youth group at your house. Now imagine if all those kids never really went away. The reality is, you’d spend 95 per cent of your time chasing, nagging and end up doing a lot of it yourself – that’s real life. And who has time for that?
I know your kids are small so you may have a little trouble envisioning what I’m talking about but I’m asking. . . how do YOU strike the balance and what are you planning to do when those sweet little boys turn into great big hairy-chested ruffians who raid the fridge, push the furniture to the walls for wrestling matches and sprawl all over your furniture while wearing their soccer cleats after a football game in the yard? And all of it with not-one-bit of malicious intent? Just a sort of general obliviousness. . . what happens, in short, when your life looks like mine?’
First of all, the way Tara describes her boys cracks me up. We’ve worked with teenagers for over 10 years and have had many guys crash on our couch for the night, wrestle all over our furniture, and clean out a bunch of snacks. The boys who live with me full time, though, are 5, 6 (almost 7) and 40, so I haven’t had to deal with the 24/7/365 testosterone that Tara is dealing with. I’ll do my best to address her questions, though.
Here are the answers to the questions I picked out of Tara’s e-mail…
1. ) How do your boys feel about living in a home decorated in a feminine style?
I actually asked my husband about this one and he said he doesn’t think it’s feminine, but homey. Awww…love that guy. He also said he sees my decorating as a style, “French country” and he likes that. I think the key is balance. I may have ruffled slipcover skirts on French cane chairs, but that’s balanced with a chunky farm table.
I have a caned day bed in the family room that’s a bit more delicate, but that’s balanced with a sturdy comfortable sofa that’s positioned in front of the flat screen TV. The chairs that we sit in all the time are comfy, sturdy and can handle the weight of big guys in our youth group and my dad, who’s about 6’3.
There was a time when I had several “decorative only chairs”, which is absurd, and I would cringe every time someone over 125 lbs sat in it. Everyone else would be enjoying a conversation and I’d be fixated on the chair, certain it would give out at any moment. I don’t do that anymore.
The biggest thing for my husband is functionality. If there’s decorative stuff all over his nightstand, he doesn’t like that. If there are too many pillows on a chair or sofa and he can’t even sit on it, he doesn’t like that. But his likes and dislikes aren’t an annoyance to me. They make me a better designer and balance out my tendency to put form over function.
I think the blue and white color scheme, which is traditionally masculine, keeps the house from looking too girly. And, I haven’t shown the boy’s room on the blog, because I haven’t worked on it, yet, but it’s very boyish. I wouldn’t put ruffles and bows in their room. I hope to “finish” their room in 2014. My husband and I have some fun plans…
And, I will say, men as well as women compliment me on the decorating of our home, so I think that says something.
2.) How can you make a beautiful home functional?
I talk about this a lot in my book. An entire chapter is dedicated to it. People of all ages come with a lot of stuff and the trick is to have a place for everything. Right now my boys are really into Legos and they have a lot of them. So, I have a big Empire dresser in our family room that is the “Lego dresser.”
All of the Legos are arranged in bins inside. They aren’t all perfectly neat, but they are mostly organized and controlled. We also have “creation boxes” in the lower kitchen cabinet to the right of the dresser. This is where they keep their creations and building projects.
We have “cubbies” in the built-in bench in the home office for shoes, backpacks, coats, etc. We keep our weights and workout bands in the bottom of the antique white hutch. You get the idea. These systems need constant assessment and reworking. Once the boys started school, the amount of paperwork they bring home is insane, so I often have papers sitting out on the counter, so I need to create a new system for that. At some point their school gear is going to outgrow the cubbies, so I need to figure something out for that. As my business has grown, so has the amount of tools, materials, equipment and work space I need, so I’ve had to rework some things to make that work better.
As I said, every season of life comes with stuff. Babies have jump-a-roos and exer-saucers and pack-n-plays. Kids have bikes and Legos and craft supplies. Teenagers have sporting equipment and packs of friends and stinky shoes. Adults have hobbies and collections and family pieces. Aging parents have hover-rounds and lift chairs and adjustable beds. You just have to find a way to work your decorating choices around the stuff and incorporate systems that work for your family.
3.) How can you keep things looking nice without being a total nag and cleaning machine all of the time?
You can’t. You have to give up that idea that everyone else’s house looks perfect 24 hours a day and you’re the only one who’s a messy failure. I tidy up my house and push the school papers and super heros out of the way before I take pictures. There are often dust bunnies, dirty toilets, stained slipcovers and sticky counter tops in my house. You don’t want to see pictures of that, though! Well, sometimes you do and I do show them, but you can go look at your own dirty toilet if you really have the hankering to view one of those. Mine is just not that fun to photograph! As with the stuff, every season of life comes with its messes from exploding diapers (yes, I went there) to chocolate milk face plants on furniture to spilled nail polish remover.
About a year ago, though, I learned that I needed to expect more from my kids when it comes to cleaning up after themselves. I still tend to clean up for them, but I have to back away and make them do it, so they can be independent and so they can understand about stewardship and responsibility. I also threw out the notion that I needed to allow my kids to wear muddy shoes in the house and drink grape juice over a white slipcover in order to be a “cool mom.” I could have packed school snacks for a week with the amount of food I found in my sofa cushions! I had to draw some boundaries, so we can all take good care of our home and so I wasn’t spending my life cleaning after everyone.
My husband and boys help out with chores, which takes stress off of me and it’s good for all of us to be invested in making our home a nice place to be. I think moms/wives become naggy when we’re doing too much ourselves or we (or someone else) has too high of an expectation. Again, I talk about this in my book, but I used to be really uptight about the perfection of my home and God had to change my heart when it came to that. I was being selfish and demanding. So, somewhere there’s a balance between anything-goes-cool-mom and vacuum-after-every-snack-put-that-away-before-you’re-even-done-with-it-and-don’t-even-breathe-on-my-furniture. I think everyone has to find that sweet spot for themselves.
4.) How can you make a home that stands up against the wear and tear of teenagers (or kids in general)?
I think you first have to accept the fact you have people in the house who are going to spill, scratch, break, tear, rip, stain, soil, chip, ding, dent and shatter stuff. And you’re probably one of them! Kids and teenagers tend to be more oblivious to that sort of thing, but you can teach them to be respectful of the things in your home. My kids know (most of the time) where it’s okay to race, wrestle, declare a tickle war and set up a fort. They know what’s okay for inside and what needs to be taken outside. Well, they need some reminders, but they are pretty good with it. So, I expect a certain level of respect to be shown to our home and things.
Even with kids who are mindful of that, accidents happen and we all have our careless or rebellious moments. In my decorating, I use washable slipcovers, durable fabrics, furniture that won’t be “ruined” if it’s dinged, dented or scratched. I also don’t have a bunch of things that are valuable and irreplaceable. There are a lot of things I really like and a few things I would shed a tear over if they were damaged, but most things won’t be hurt in the slightest by a crack, stain or scratch. Most things in my house already have those, so my boys just add a little more character.
As I mentioned earlier, though, there are seasons of life that call for different concessions to be made. A white slipcovered sofa worked fine until my kids hit pre-k and kindergarten. Then they were coming home from school dirty from recess on the playground and flopped on my white slipcover. It started getting really grungy. I can wash it and it looks dirty two days later, which is frustrating, because it’s not easy to remove, wash and replace seven covers. So, I’ve decided that the season of a white slipcovered family room sofa is coming to an end and I’m saving up for a brown leather sofa that can be wiped down. I’m sure as my boys grow, I’ll have to make more changes.
This is just from my perspective obviously, and I know I have some clever readers out there who probably have some thoughts on the subject, so please feel free to chime in!
I think the key is finding a balance that works for your family and adapting it as things change. I hope that helps, Tara! Enjoy your boys and their odors and sprawling and bottomless stomachs. That season will only last a few more years…
PS – I don’t have one single Christmas decoration up and the world is still turning.
72 Responses
I am also looking for a brown leather sofa for the family room, so I will be watching to see what you find! I don’t want a puffy sofa that looks like it is on steroids – thinking more of a chesterfield or another classic look.. I want quality and it is hard to know what is really good out there in furniture land! Whatever you decide will be a winner I an sure! Love your blog and have been following for awhile.
I have two teenage sons, husband and a dog. I have a white slip covered sofa in our living room where they sit on occasionally, but usually they hang out in the family room upstairs and lounge on an upholstered dark sofa. We’ve always taught them to be kind to the furniture and as they’ve gotten older they have adhered to that . For us, it’s their bedrooms that are the dirtiest and most smelly!
I fell in love with Tara as soon as I read ‘I’ve decided that the collective noun for a group of boys is “an odour” ‘ Your responses are thoughtful and consistent with who you are. I do have one thought for you — a NAVY leather sofa instead of brown. It may be harder to find, but would suit your home’s colors better. I’ve never regretted getting my butter yellow chair instead of tan or cream. It’s just ME.
I did a quick google search and there’s a clearance set in NC that would complement the lines of a French Country home and I bet you could negotiate a better deal (or get them to split out just the couch): http://www.furniturelandsouth.com/Bradington-Young-Navy-Blue-Leather-Sofa-Chair-and-Fabric-Ottoman-DZ34201.aspx
I think my original comment may have gotten rejected because I included a link to a NAVY leather couch for sale in NC that has lines that would complement your French Country style. Let me know if you’re interested in the link (I found it after googling “navy blue leather couch”), let me know and I’ll email it to you — it appears to be a floor sample that’s on clearance at a place in NC so you might be able to check it out in person (and negotiate an even better price). I’ve never regretted getting my butter yellow leather chair as the color makes me much happier than tan or cream would have, which is what the salesperson wanted to sell me.
Also, love where Tara refers to “an odour” of teenage boys – perfect! Your responses, btw, are thoughtful and consistent with everything else you do (and don’t do).
I am thinking about covering the couches in gray. . .
and my husband wants leather to recover the chairs.
Not so sure how gray and brown will be.
And I hear that little girls’ buckle shoes can damage leather–and I have 5 girls plus 2 boys.
I’m just hoping we can do something! The furniture at my house looks like it was attacked by lions, and the wood floor received several huge gouges in more than one place after Thanksgiving.
It’s going to wear out, I see. Maybe next year!
I live in a 150 year old farmhouse, and my floors have many gouges and scratches, and are worn through to bare wood in several places. People come over and tell me they LOVE my floors. Its character, and history. Don’t sweat a few gouges. My sofa looks the same as yours I am sure! 2 Saint Bernards are not easy on furniture! I just laugh and tell the stories that go along with it, and , like you, maybe next year I can afford that $6K Pottery Barn sofa.
I would like to add my two cents to Tara’s question if I may….I used to be just like her. I have 4 teenagers (one girl and three boys). My house was the hang out house, which meant there were always at least 4 or 5 more hanging around. So much so that many of the kids still call me mom. I followed them around picking up, straightening, frowning at muddy cleats and couch cushions in disarray. I wanted my house to look like the pictures in the magazines and on the blogs. I couldn’t wait until the day when my house would stay clean and I could have nice furniture that would stay that way. All but one of my kids are in college now. The house is quieter than I would like. The sound of silence echoes through the halls instead of laughter and the only time my furniture gets moved is to vacuum. On weekends I sit in my living room watching TV…alone…longing for the day when my house was full of…LIFE. As Miss Mustard Seed said, it passes all too quickly so enjoy it. There will always be time for having your home be exactly as you want it. Until then, enjoy the peanut butter on the fridge handle.
Amen! I am trying to live that now with my 11 and 14 year old. just trying to savor every moment!
I totally agree, Kim. I am alone now, too. Husband left home, daughter left home, even my elderly kitty left me a while back. ** sniff** And it is now soooo quiet. And I can keep it as clean as I want. I agree with you…enjoy all the chaos. You’ll miss it when it’s gone.
Yes indeedy! My three kids are grown and I miss them and the messes! I get a little sample of the wonderful noise when the three grandsons visit.
Loved the post. We have no children at home, but, thanks to hubby, have a lot of leather furniture sectionals and chairs which are so durable and stand up to two doggies scratching to make a nest. I try to put a throw for them to nest in, but the furniture is holding up. One black sectional from the 60’s, which I hated, has traveled with us and ended up in the den. Twenty years and all I do is wipe it down with a damp cloth. I finally started to accept and like it. It was expensive at the time, but the quality of it has held up.
I love shabby chic and he like modern “man cave”. I guess it’s called eclectic. It’s an accumulation from our past and unless we throw it all out and buy new, it’ll never look like a magazine ad. Combining traditional/modern with vintage vignettes seems to work for us. I’m discovering that less is more and letting some space in so the eye has time to “rest” is a great way to decorate. Hence, I’m selling/donating a lot a “knick-knacks”. Fussy and clutter won’t be in our finished house. I still buy things, but am “releasing” a lot of stuff, too. It feels good.
I am in LOVE with your cow painting. Do you know the artist? are they available to buy?
I get asked all the time how my house stays so neat and clean with four kids. Easy, I have OCD (for reals, not laughs) and no, it’s not a lot of fun for those who live with me. Through a lot of therapy and prayer I have relaxed a bit and learned to deal with my illness and how it effects those around me. I don’t like clutter, so things like extra pillows and do-dahs are not for me. Helps in the decorating department, because our house doesn’t look too fluffy. Also helps in the dusting department 😉 I love that you address the real issues of decorating!
When people say “how do you keep your house so neat?” I usually answer “I yell a lot.” And they always think I’m joking. I might not actually yell, but I definitely am “more directive” about crap sitting around than most mothers I know. We have a small house and I like it neat, at least on the surface (which is why I’ve got a lot of lidded baskets storage ottomans and cabinets with closable doors). I’m ok with that. It’s easier to clean a generally-neat house, it’s less stressful to live in, and when my girls have gotten out of their own they quickly got out of that throw-everything-on-the-floor phase and taken pride in keeping their own space neat and clean. Works for me. 🙂 (I have Ikea Ektorp sofas with white slips and I love them. Much less stressful than microfiber or non-slipcovered stuff).
LOVED this post. I also have two little boys and love to decorate. They are obsessed with legos and I usually kill my feet stepping on lego blocks I can’t see in the oriental rug. We are currently saving up for a brown leather couch. Our days of the slipcovered couch are numbered.
I’ve had brown leather sofas for 11 years, and they are wonderfully forgiving with children. They take a beating and just get better looking as they age. I recently added a light ochre leather chair to the group, and it should work well with your color scheme. I like a little contrast in the overall scheme, so I really liked it when your corner cabinets were stained (in the dining room?). So my vote is to add some contrast and stain relief with leather. (:
Thank you for sharing this lady’s question in entirety; I giggled as I read it as it was almost as if I might have been describing my family minus the horse. I think all your wonderful decorating combinations make it easier on menfolk but I think this lady has reached a point that I had just a couple of years ago. I thought I was nearing insanity. I would love to tell her,”This to shall pass.” Very little time will pass before the boys will be gone and she’ll wonder where they’ve went. I don’t know if it can be said that I even have a decorating style but I had many years without a husband in the house and I did decorate and do as I wished, after my husband and his son came to live with me I learned I would have to concede “my way” often if I intended to make the home “ours” instead of “mine” …his love for colored Christmas lights & brash paper vs. my love of white lights & presents wrapped in brown paper……me having to take out my grandma’s kitchen cupboard to fit the big modern kitchen table he bought for me on Mother’s Day….Sometime you have to decide if you love your stuff or your man. My Grandma Dorothy would always say,” You shouldn’t love something that can’t love you back.”
I completely enjoy seeing what you are transforming and creating. Have a wonderful Christmas Holiday.
Thanks for keeping it real on the state of your home! It’s SO beautiful and I think people looking at your blog might be a tad overcome by how beautiful it looks and that their own homes are sadly lacking (I being one of them!)
I made a dropcloth slipcover for our family room sofa and how I decided to deal with the slipcover not looking clean 24/7 was to cover the cushions in a Waverly print and I used srtiped piping on the entire slipcover. The seat cushions NEVER look dirty and l’ve gotten so many compliments on how nice it looks! (Even after my husband slept on it for a month after knee surgery!)
Thanks for all your great ideas…Merry Christmas!
Thank you for this post, Marian! The first time I bought my own living room furniture (rather than hand-me-downs), I so wanted those gorgeous brown leather pieces you always see in the Sundance catalog, that cost more than a month’s mortgage payment. Instead, I went to IKEA and found a brown leather love seat and club chair. I think they may have been the Ektorp design, and they were very reasonably priced. That was ten years ago, and I have to say they still look great! They get daily use and very little care, don’t collect pet hair (we have cats and horses), and the little scratches they’ve collected over time just give them character. Thanks to your terrific video series, I slipcovered one of the hand-me-downs (you don’t even want to know how old that one is), and found that yes, brown leather really does go with anything, any style, any color. Thanks for your wonderful blog–you’ve really helped me freshen up my house and pull its style together!
I loved this post. Talk about striking a nerve! We lived in Japan for three years and while I admired their “rule” to leave all shoes at the door – we never could seem to get this rule to stick at our house. It would help keep everything cleaner, I’m sure. The smartest thing we’ve (accidentally) done which has helped keep our house cleaner is… our dogs are both poodles so there is NO dog hair all over the furniture/floors! It’s so cool to have a 60 pound dog that doesn’t shed!
I’m a grandmother of 3 boys and a girl, under the age of 8. We have a Natuzzi leather sofa, classic traditional style, with trailhead trim, and it’s the best thing for kids! Apple juice spills from the drippy sippy cups and cheez-its clean up with ease. When my girls were young, we went thru more furniture than we could count, all cheap stuff that we thought was a smart move at the time. Toys everywhere constantly, and no amount of picking up seemed to last. But as they got older and started having friends over, THEY were the ones cleaning up, so they wouldn’t be embarrassed! I was in heaven! Now I hear them discuss among themselves how they deal with the chaos of kids, and just smile . Same song, different voices! The day will come when they will have a tidy house again, and they will hopefully just enjoy their growing family and not sweat the small stuff – enjoy life, and live it!
Auto-correct did trailhead, not nailhead!
It is wonderful to have an opportunity to discuss such things in life that effect us as families! You did a great job, Marian addressing, educating and bringing balance to the topic. We have four sons, a daughter and now five precious grand kids. It has always been important to me to practice hospitality to their friends and our neighbors which has involved a learning curve of balance, expectation and a little bit of training. Our kids are grown now and have their own places and it is fun to visit and see how they have made their homes places of comfort and warmth. We have had a navy blue leather couch for over twenty years…I vote yes!
For what it is worth, I think Lynn and Kim have spoken to the heart of the issue. The time of life in which Tara finds herself is unique in many ways; especially when we’re talking about boys. It is fine to say you can teach kids kids respect for their decorated surroundings, etc, and of course you should to some degree. But something magical happens in the male mind in the teen years and Tara hit the nail on the head; they consume the home without an ounce of malicious intent. You realize soon enough that although self-discipline and such are necessary, you simply need to let one thing or another go: either your boys (by driving them away through constant nagging and correcting), or your home (by allowing it to be a place to live, and not the fulfilment of the dream you have in your mind for now). My mom told me when I got married to never yell at my family for walking across a freshly washed floor. You can mop your floor again, (or have the offender do it!), but you can’t take back words or time so easily. Enjoy the kids, train them up as you should for their good and God’s glory, and someday you’ll enjoy a clean house. There is a time for everything under the sun.
We bought our leather sofa over 15 years ago.. It was the right choice for an active family with animals.
Sadly it is time to do something about the seat cushions,, every other part of the sofa looks new…I wish I had the foresight to have purchased extra seat cushions.
Dealing with clutter is problematic..one of the ways I deal with clutter is to let my husband do it…He isn’t as attached to objects as I am, so over the years he has been able to purge the clutter.. Honestly I don’t even miss anything,
Well there was the time he threw out a bag I had just brought home with two brand new pairs of tap shoes…I still get a knot in my stomach when I think of all the money that I paid for those shoes!
o he really
My son just graduated this past year. Our house was the “hangout house”, there was pretty much constantly 3-6 “stinky” soccer boys on our couch, in our house. I don’t decorate in the beautiful, light colors that I see everywhere. That is one reason why. The other reason is a red, never ending with the shedding bassett hound! Try having red hair everywhere no matter how much you vacuume! LOL The boys were always respectful, but still there was constantly backpacks and shoes and cups and glasses and potato chip bags always out. However, they always put the glasses in or next to the sink and their trash in the trash can. VERY rarely did I have to pick up after them. Now that they’re all in college, I’m missing those boys so very much. Just over Thanksgiving they were all back and I was in HEAVEN! Your article is great and your answers to Tara are spot on.
I have four boys and one on the way (currently ranging from ages 1-12) and my husband is a contractor. I love white- white everything but I have found that the surfaces that everyone touches have to be wipe-able. Not just washable, but wipe-able. We have a beautiful worn brown leather sofa which I love. At the end of the day I take a rag and shake my head in disgust at what comes off. The furniture is all beautifully distressed so I don’t sweat bumps and nicks in that, but I incorporate the white into other things; drapery, white dishes, white walls, and white picture frames. The house looks lived in, but welcoming. It’s clean but you’re not afraid to live in it. That’s the way houses with kids are supposed to be. Don’t make yourselves crazy trying to keep up with the latest trends or perfecting your style perfectly… enjoy your sanity instead. I know with four and one on the way I need all the sanity I can get- especially if we decide to have more after this!
I have been there. I have two boys (now grown), a husband (and his hobbies), and a male dog. Yes my bathroom is painted pink! I love girly stuff, pillows, ruffles, white couches, all that stuff. My family not so much, they are guys!
So I had (have) my must do’s like you must wear a shirt to the dinner table, you must take your shoes off in the house and you have a room, you deal with it.
Wrestling matches were an issue. If I had anything precious it is now no more, we have brown furniture because of spills and there are special scratches all over things.
I think the most important thing I have learned is that these “special” moments are fleeting. I truly miss the wrestling matches, my kids friends became part of our family and I miss them very much. I would take back all the mess just to have things back the way it was, but I can’t so I cherish the memories and look forward to the same behavior from my 3 grandsons that we learned to love from our boys!
“You must wear a shirt to the dinner table” made me laugh!
Please tell me about that rug under your “chunky farm table”. I love the looks of it and want to find one like this but I have no idea how to search it out. Maybe you even recall where you bought it. Thank you!
wise counsel
As a mom to 3 teenage boys (well 2 at home as the eldest flew the coop 6 months ago to join the Army) and a 115 lb newfoundland/malamute (read black hair EVERYWHERE) I can tell you I gave up on having a completely clean home… especially if I wanted the boys to feel comfortable. The rule is to put all the dirty dishes/plates in the sink each night…. 3rd infraction results in doing all the dishes by hand. So far it has worked. Food is eaten on our white slipcovered sofa because it is in the family room. Shirts with sleeves must be worn at the dinner table! (I don’t care about the rattiness of the shirt, just no TANK TOPS or SLEEVELESS shirts! trust me eating at a table surrounded by hairy men is NOT appealing!)
A word of advise concerning leather sofas….. make sure it is a super good quality! We bought one approximately 6 years ago and it has NOT held up! It grieves me as the finish started flaking about 6 months and went from bad to worse. I did EVERY. SINGLE. THING that the company recommended in order to properly take care of the sofa.
Thank you! Have a wonderful day!
I too feel like I am literally walking behind people in my house picking up after them, sometimes I still have my coat on from work because it just hits me when I walk in the door! I don’t mind my home looking lived in but it’s just the mindful part that bothers me…like when you take off your shoes, put them aside and don’t just step out of them as you’re walking and leave them to be tripped on! Anyways, I always tell myself “this too shall pass”! Kids get older, move on and one day this will seem like a short snippet in time.
I don’t have children, but I have cats and they can be messy… But they belong to the house more than my furniture and yes, one of my shelf in the kitchen is missing some paint, but I actually love the worn look one of my cat has created. There has been some concessions I had to do, but It has made me more creative I believe. FUnnily enough, they are very good at not damaging any of my many, many pieces of china!
The third question really hit me…”wives get naggy when we’re doing too much ourselves, or have too high of an expectation.” That was me in a nutshell. The first part of that doesn’t apply to me because my husband has taken on the mind-set that he doesn’t need to help me any more since he pays the majority of the bills for the house. I’ve given up nagging, it’s not worth it. We are empty nesters (5 kids) but I swear he’s messier now than when they were still at home.
I had to realize a long time ago I could have a perfect house or happy kids. I could not have both. Since I’ve got 13 kids now, I obviously went with the kids. 🙂
Totally OT. I was just reading through your MY HOUSE page, and noticed that the comments about your Living Room are written in Latin. I didn’t bother trying to read it–it’s been about 25 years since I studied Latin–but I was wondering if you knew this. ?
Jill
I love this post Marian – in answering Tara’s questions you’ve answered a few of mine! Our children are 13 & 16 and we home school so there is a lot of wear and tear on our home, along with exploding science experiments on the kitchen table and teetering piles of books on every horizontal surface! Our furniture is old, wood and so dark – and it’s taken me years to convince my hubby that it would brighten things up to paint a few pieces in lighter tones! He finally said ‘yes’ and suddenly I got cold feet! LOL! After reading your practical suggestions, I think I’m going to move forward and make some changes. It’s just stuff – old, scratched, well used, comfortable like an old shoe – and in need of a lick of paint!
My mom used to say her house was clean enough to be healthy and dirty enough to be happy. When I had my own house I found that for me to be happy was a higher level of clean. It is always a compromise. I agree with setting boundaries and teaching your kids to show respect for “their” home. As my girls (OK I didn’t have any boys!) grew they were proud to bring people home. Pick your battles. I found that clutter drives me crazy. My friend had toys all over her house and was always picking up or yelling at her kids to and it didn’t even seem like they played with them. I kept the toys locked in a spare room and my kids went in there with a big basket and shopped. When they were bored and wanted new toys they knew to fill the basket and bring their returns to be exchanged with new toys. The funny thing is now that my kids are in their 30’s it is one of their fondest childhood memories!
What a great post. I have these french cane chairs that i loooove, but they are so fragile and creaky, and i get anxious when someone sits on them. Seems like it just isn’t right to have chairs that are too delicate for anyone to enjoy. I’m gonna rethink the the whole thing now, and figure something else out! Thanks for the inspiration… again… !
Cindy
Cindy, put them in a corner and put some accessories on them as if they were a table. People won’t use them, especially not if you have some comfy ones available.
I have a similar but different scenario; my husband and I are empty nesters but it gets really chaotic around here when all 5 of the kids come at the same time and bring spouces/significant others. We had 7 visiting over Thanksgiving to our down-sized house. The bedrooms are very small with very little space to keep a suitcase so several suitcases were in the living area. Along with that, one of them had to sleep in part of the public area of the house so there was bedding. Then they all seemed to forget all my training and left things out all over. On top of that, they just left dishes pile up in the kitchen. I had to wait until they all went to bed so I could straighten up, do the dishes, put their discarded clothes in their suitcases, vacuum, etc. It was ridiculous! I now know that I need to come up with places for the suitcases to live during the day and make a schedule for doing dishes every day. I also think I need to ask them all to pick up their stuff before going to bed. I love when they come and look forward to it all year and then collapse in exhaustion when they leave, so glad to have them gone. It shouldn’t be that way.
Thanks for this post because it encourages me to make some ‘rules’ for when they visit so I can keep my sanity and get some sleep.
I thought this was one of your best blogs yet. Thank you for sharing your ideas and wisdom. Have a great holiday.
I raised 4 kids (1 daughter followed by 3 sons) and always had a nice home – was doing shabby chic and slipcovering long before it was popular – because I could afford it!!
the most important thing is to love your kids and teach them respect – not just for others but to respect their home and what’s in it.
I never really did the putting away the “pretties” so kids wouldn’t break them, they just learned that ball tossing in the living room was off limits – it is where you went to read or listen to music. Outside or the family room was the ball area! At the end of a day, clothes either went into a dresser, got hung back up or went into a hamper.
Kids need to learn that “things” aren’t cheap and taking care of what you have with respect says a lot about how you treat people. Don’t abuse, misuse or discard just because there is a better/newer model!!
I truly appreciate what you stated above. I have 3 sons and a messy husband and messier dog! And I’m a neat freak! But, I started training my boys when they were very young to pick up their toys and take care of their own things. They aren’t perfect but they know how to keep things tidy. They also know what’s expected out of them as far as dirty shoes on furniture and leaving their messes everywhere. People are afraid to have limits with their children…but rules are good!
I have 2 sons and a daughter and my husband is a farmer. We lived in the middle of the fields the entire time my kids were in the house. What kept me sane (and my house neat) was compromise. My deal with my kids was that I would wake them up in the morning, start their shower, come back & rub their back, then make their bed IF they put up their laundry and picked up their room before they went to bed at night. Breakfast was on a tray in their favorite place – in front of Sports Center for the boys or in front of the mirror for my daughter. It worked like a charm for my youngest two. My house was always picked up & neat. My oldest son……..not so much! I simply found the motivator that made them help. My kids bragged about being spoiled rotten every morning, but I felt they needed to leave the house feeling loved & cared for with their world under control because what they faced when they left was not always so kind.
As far as furniture is concerned, I have piano students in & out of the house daily. I have to remind myself that they are SO much more important than the stuff I possess. When something gets dinged or broken I just have to remember it is not a person, so it is not that big of a deal. Compromise and priorities help make a happy home!
Balance and common sense!
Thank you once again for inspiring us!
Such good, practical ideas. As our kids grow (2 year boy, 4 year old girl) I find I need to change things up every once in a while to work better for our family. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this.
Hi!
I’ve been reading your blog for about six months and I really enjoy and appreciate all that you share. This is my first time to comment, I couldn’t resist! I am 49 and the mom to a son away at college, a son in his sr year of hs, a 15 yo daughter and a bonus 5yo son! I’m living in many seasons at once and have been shown by my children how to appreciate the beauty and chaos of each season. I already have a brown leather sleeper sofa, many a body have rested on that thing and it is no worse for wear! Embrace the brown leather! Our family with the varied schedules has benefitted greatly from the 8:00 clean sweep. Everyone stops what they’re doing and picks up. Most evenings everyone is home if there are not sporting events. Always depend on kids to help from a young age, we all belong, we stand and fall together! When we do for a child what he could do for himself we stand in the way of his development.
I know it’s hard to believe when you’re in the middle of the ‘everyday’ness of it all, but those boys will be gone before you realize what happened. Enjoy it all – you can have the cute house later and will be so happy you waited!!
That Empire dresser for the Legos is an amazing piece, beautiful and so functional!
I am an empty nester, also. Our home was the “go to house” when my son was growing up. I still claim some of those boys as my other sons. Because my son has no siblings we were glad to have his friends around. We generally took some on family vacations with us. I agree completely that things change when boys become teenagers but my son was taught from an early age to respect our home and to respect the homes he visited. That doesn’t mean there was never any “what were you thinking moments” but having some rules and expectations make a difference. I think some rules that help are all food and drink stay in the kitchen, wash your hands after eating and keep your hands off of the walls. By the way, when his friends visited it was always very obvious which ones had been trained to respect the homes of others. Enjoy all the seasons of your children’s lives because they will be gone far too quickly, but teach them some house rules. You will have plenty of time after they are gone to have the perfect house. I love watching my son now tell his dog to get off the sofa “he” purchased. No grandbabies yet, but I am looking forward to that adventure!
My husband has finally built me some beautiful new built-in and mantel around my fireplace. They are almost finished. I have been looking forward to finally having my living room look nice. It’s been a mess for nearly two years. Here’s my problem: My husband is very handy, but also a huge computer geek. Due to the size of our home, he has a large table in the room with two large monitors, keyboard and laptop. I’ve learned to deal with it. Now he thinks he is going to fill up my new shelves with his computer books! They are the ugliest books on the face of the earth. This is causing more arguments than the two years of half-finished work. Do you have any ideas how I can make this work or better yet a way to convince him to find another place for them? HELP!!!!!
Well, two things come to mind…first, can he put doors on the built-ins? Then the books can be hidden from view? If they need to be open shelves, would he be okay with you covering them in brown paper and handwriting the name of each book on the spine? It would be tedious to do and would take a bit of getting used to on his part, but would be a compromise… I’ve also seen people turn books spine-side in, so only the white pages show. This can be a bit tricky if you use the books often as a resource.
Thanks for the ideas, Marian. There are doors on the bottom, so I’m hoping he’ll put as many as possible there. I’ve thought of the brown paper covers too. Maybe I can talk him into it if he sees it was advise from a professional and not just something my daughter and I thought of. I have a sample board of a beautiful stenciled finish I plan on putting on the back. I could tell he was thinking, “Oh, no, she really is serious about wanting these things to look nice,” Hoping to warm him up to it slowly. Thanks!
Great post, Marian.
I’m off to look at my own dirty toilet. You know, I actually have THREE of them!!
-b
I love to read the comments you get before I add mine. It tells me I’m not alone, I’ve done some of the same things, made same mistakes with my kids and in our home.
We have 4 kids, all of them grown with families of their own but I too miss the fun of having all the kids around. The 3 older kids are close in age, had 1st. one at 11 days before I was 20 and the 3rd. almost 3 months before my 24th. b/d. We lived in neighborhoods with lots of kids and many of them spent a great deal of time at our house. I’d come home from work and not be able to park in the driveway for all the teen age boys. The “boys” are 16 months apart so they shared many of the same friends even into their 20’s. I was a screamer and had somebody constantly telling me what a terrible mother I was for having 4 kids, having kids at our house, not having a clean house all the time.
My 4th.child is with 2nd. husband and she is 6 yrs. younger than the 3rd.
I so regret listening to that person whom nagged me and told me I was a bad Mother. It took away alot of the fun we could have had. Despite that when summer came around I loaded up the neighborhood kids in back of our pick up and hauled us all to the beach, we lived inland. We had such a good time, I loved it and so did the kids
When they were grown up and went to the CO river outside Yuma, AZ (we lived in east county of San Diego then) we went with all the kids and had a great time with them and our kids. We have such great memories of those years. I’d take a dirty house any day to be able to do it all over again. Happy week
Tara seems to forget, that is her home also. She, as well as the boys, has rights in this situation. Perhaps a good “come to Jesus” conversation needs to be held. Everyone could express their ideas how to live cooperatively in their home. Some things should not be up for debate i.e. Cleats in the house? Absolutely not! I raised 2 daughters, their friends (girls & boys), was divorced & worked full time outside the home. I understand, but there has to be rules & everyone has to do their part or there will be angry words & hurt feelings. Sesame Street called it COOPERATION!
Hey you “boy” gals, sit down and read this book – “Boys Should Be Boys”, 7 Secrets to Raising Healthy Sons by Meg Meeker, M.D. Unfortunately I just read this and my son is 19. There is insight and encouragement in Dr. Meeker’s words and a focus to what really matters. Dr. James Dobson’s book, “Brining Up Boys” is very good as well. Don’t give up, the smells, the sloppiness and noise does change over time. Remember you matter most to your boys regardless of how the house looks.
You are just very cute and I so appreciate all you do and say… : )
Hi. I’m Tara 🙂
I enjoyed reading the comments. My email to Marian was never intended to be critical – I’m mystified, not critical – and my sons (and their friends and the dogs and the horses and the rabbit. . . Did I mention the rabbit? There’s a rabbit – he’s a boy too) are wonderful. Truly. They are amazing and chaos is my constant. I don’t mind.
I know this is my house too and the boys actually do have wonderful manners – I’d send them to the White House itself and suffer not one pang of concern (of course, being Canadian helps 😉 but they are BOYS and KIDS. I expect disaster. I expect it daily. Like I said, the boys never mean for it to happen it just does. Add more kids to the mix and it happens more often.
I’m happiest when my children are around me. I’m thrilled when they bring their friends home to us. . . I think that’s a compliment. I think Marian is smart and makes the right choices for her family – they wouldn’t work here though and I’m realistic about what I could and couldn’t do in the context of the life we lead. I like to hear other peoples’ ideas because every once in a while, you hear something that is both inspirational and attainable – the holy grail.
After reading all the comments, I think my lesson for today is “perspective is everything.” 🙂
P.S.
Girls rule, boys drool! 😉
Um, Tara, I couldn’t help but wonder… are your horses geldings? 😉
Marian and Tara – what a great post! I so enjoyed it, and all the comments too.
you guessed it!!! One 14 yo QH and one 12 yo Standardbred. Both rescues, both geldings and both teenagers!! Male teenagers EVERYWHERE.
Three dogs, two active kids and a manly husband, the leather couch is THE best investment, cleans up best with Murphy’s Oil Soap, makes it soft too!!
A friend spotted a second-hand leather couch in good condition and called me right away thinking I would want it because of my kids. But my husband nixed the idea. It could be because he doesn’t like moving furniture, especially heavy sofas, but he honestly said he does not like leather furniture because he doesn’t like the feel and his experience is that they are sticky and sweaty when it’s hot.
My big boys (both over 6’2″) have broken so many chairs, I finally bought some second-hand metal office chairs for them to sit in at the table. Looks kind of funky, but it works for now.
Oh!!! You said it sooo perfectly! It spoke to my soul! I’m gonna read it to my family during our family committee meeting. You rock Miss Marian
Also, may I add Tara’s question is very funny. She seems like a very spirited kind hearted person.
I’m so proud of your boys! They are much better listeners than my twins.
Loved reading this post…thanks, Marian, for keeping it real. Balance, perspective and just learning to relax is key. Don’t you hate the feeling you get when you walk into a “perfect” home?…it’s like nobody lives there. I grew up as one of eleven and it was always messy….but always warm, too. My mom was great at adapting and our house still had a lot of flair and style. Now she 80 and lives by herself in a condo. It’s so fun watching her try all those things she knew wouldn’t work earlier in life….and then switch it up and try something else!
Oh my what a great post…and one I needed to read:-) Balance is the key, and what great tips for dealing with those issues. I’m so happy to hear that your house is not perfect all the time, because mine sure isn’t as hard as I try. I cannot help but laugh, though at getting a brown leather sofa. I had a white couch until I had children, then saved and got the brown leather, which I sold last fall. I then fell in love with a $50 white french sofa and replaced the brown leather what that–with a 7-year-old son, and 11 and 13 year-old girls:-) It sounds like your boys share a room. I’d love to see how you deal with that. My girls share, hate doing so and are in a really small room. Can’t wait to see what you all do.
It is so true every stage of life has its season – we are past the children-at-home stage and our only grand child lives too far away to be a factor in my decorating decisions. However, we recently bought a miniature schauzer puppy and is like going back to having toddlers again! She is very spoilte and sleeps on our bed. The gorgeous white and pale blue bedcover I bought thinking we were past having to worry about messy hands and feet has just been ruined by a puppy who loves to run straight from the garden to pa and mama’s bed! It can stay marked until we teach her some manners (or buy a baby gate – which ever comes first!) It is possible to have a beautiful home and a family who actively live in it. You just have to adjust your idea of beautiful! I try to ensure everything I have is functional and all furniture can be used. Washable slipcovers, leather upholstery, solid timber (which always looks better with a few dings in it) are the staples. Add frippery with (a few) pillows and throws, preferably washable. And enjoy your family. Trust me when they leave you will actually miss the mess and the noise. Really!!!
Hi! I’m a COW LOVER! Will you please share where you purchased your pictures?